wondering if just chatting where i really belong is cheating

[mrsalone]

Im in very unhappy marriage. I just discovered a paper I printed out a while ago while my husband and I were once again fighting over our normal fight. I looked at the bottom of the page I printed out and caught a glimpse of the date.......june of 2008, I remember this same fight on fathers day of 2007, we were married in march of 2007. I just realized that we've been fighting over the ame thing for the whole of our marriage.

This means I've been begging for S-- and he's been getting off on skinny girl ---- for what? Almost 4 years now. I love ----, I always tell him im willing and able to do whatever he wants, still nothing. He says he loves me. Everytime we fight over this it gets worse and worse. This time I got out a suitcase and for the first time he showed a concern by punching a whole in my laundry door. (This was a first- he is never violent) I kind of liked it that I was hurting him, is that wrong??

I have been so alone, neglected and hurt for so long, and now, im here. Is this cheating? Ireally don't know what I want, I suppose I wanted to know what it was like for someone to show me some love or attention even though I am not thin. I feell pretty worthless. I've gone through this all of my life. Every man I've dated, even long term relationships I can count 4 that ended and they ended up cheating on me with you guessed it, skinny girls, or we ended amicably and the next spring they were getting hitched to skinny minnie. C'mon, am I really that bad?

After they cheated, I was done, I never allowed myself to continue to be hurt by the same person, no matter how much of an attempt they made to reconnect with me. The thing I don't understand is, why did my husband go to the length that he did to GET me. Then after he got me it was great, then it was ok, then it was dull, now its downright sad.

I know that all relationships aren't supposed to be bubbles and puppies and freakin smiles and playing footsie all day long, but geez, can a little love last a while longer for a chubby girl here? I've gone to a counselor because I thought it was me! He's not made one attempt to solve his issues, he says, im not giving him any, so that's why he does it. Well, when your wifes complaint is that she's not getting any, and she wants you every single night and is willing to do unspeakable things and open about all of it, how can the husband have the audacity to turn it around on me and use the same excuse??? So confusing and hurtful. Is he trying to cover up his own guilt by trying t make me seem like the bad guy?

Well, my little girl wants to read a book, I gotta go. Whew I feel better already just getting some of that out. Sorry its so long winded. I have lots more to say, but no one to say it to. I really need someone to talk to I think. Anyways gotta jet. Thanks for reading.

Sincerely, Mrs. Alone

[maybethisonce]

`Hey Mrs. Alone!

I am sorry that you seem to be having relationship problems. In my experience just because a guy you have dated ends up with a skinny girl it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I have dated big guys and skinnier guys; for me its all about personality then looks comes second. But if your husband has stopped being physical with you and is only looking at ----, there could be another issue besides your weight that he isn't willing to talk about. He married you, so he must have had some attraction to you- I can't think that after all this time your weight would still be an issue. I could be wrong but it sounds as though their is a deeper issue.

What really struck me about you post was when you said you felt worthless. Absolutely not, darling, absolutely not. And if being here, chatting and getting a little attention is going to give you that needed ego boost, then I think it is important for you to be here. I think you are concerned that you are being emotionally unfaithful to your husband but it seems he is being distant from you. Its only cheating, in my opinion, when you feel that the connection you get here is replacing your husband in your relationship- assuming that you are not meeting people in real life or having, shall we say risque conversations. If that is the case than it is value judgement. If your conscience is bothering you about it, then obviously you feel it is wrong. I don't think it is.

I hope your husband can recommit to your love life, or at least open a dialogue with you about it. I would keep seeing a therapist, even if it is just to work on your own self image. You are not worthless, hon- not in the slightest.

If you need someone to vent to, someone who has been there too, feel free to contact me. Otherwise, soak up some of that attention and have fun!

Hugs!
Maybethisonce

[mrsalone]

Maybethisonce,
thank you for first of all reading and second for replying. I am happy to know atleast someone out there cares, even a stranger.
I do feel worthless, but that im sure comes with the territory. I suppose its easy for me and other people of my stature to blame weight as an easy target for blame of many different problems. I've just never had this issue before, the men I dated in the past always wanted intimacy from me and now I guess I've settled down abut I don't want to give up the spark and need for S-- and intimacy, im too young to feel this old. Im only 34 but I feel fifty. Im tired of taking care of myself, if you know what I mean. I really did consider having an affair, im so scared to death that I could stoop to this level and be this needy.
my therapist says im not totally to blame. Its not needy to want something that is important to you.
I've always been outgoing, life of the party type person. My friends tell me I should do stand up, I just never thought that ME of all people could be this down.
why is S-- and intimacy playing such an enormous part of depressing my whole life and turning it upside down?
im thankful that you offered to talk to me. I really need it. To read that im not worthless and even to be called darling (even by another girl) is very nice to hear. Don't worry I don't swing that way lol.
I believe that things will get better, and then everytime I have hope, it happens again. He goes to extremes to keep me from finding out about his watching it, ie. Cutting our phone line on the outside box so I couldn't go online and see the history. That is pretty extreme.
since our big blow out this past time, he swears he's going to change and he knows that I am more important than ---- and he will just have to come to me when he wants S-- (well geez thanks, don't do me any favors) insulting but I know he didn't mean to be. He's one of those people that graceful speaking eludes him. He doesn't choose his words carefully at all. Sometimes that is hurtful but in 6 years I've learned to read what he is really saying.
idk im so unhappy I don't want anyone else, but am scared if he doesn't change or get help soon, I will have no choice but to leave him or god forbid have an affair.
I don't want to divorce and put my daughter through visitation and court battles, but im scared of going to hell if I have an affair.
wow, this was longer than the first one. And im sure there is much more. Lol. Tip of the iceburg. I want to get better ultimately, and when im better, I will be able to make a more sound decision of what to do without doing anything I will later regret.
thanks again for reading and replying.

Sincerely, Mrs. Alone

[ramirez4lyfe (deleted)]

`so...i want to say something. but im scared that just like everyone else, you'll judge my response on the fact that im only 19. but in those short 19 years, i have had so many experiences.
i understand what you mean when u say your husband is w/o graceful ways of speaking. my bf of 4 years is the exact same way lol. anyways...what i want to say is...
i have ALWAYS let everyone know, that yes, i love my man. he's a wonderful human being, but I come first. yes that sounds conceited, but here me out. YOUR happiness is the most important. how u expect to have a happy, fulfilling marriage, if YOU arent happy?? you need to figure out what makes you happy when your husband isnt around. be it, buying a nice new outfit that shows off all the right curves, finding a new hobby that you never would have tried, or going out somewhere new just to meet different people. do SOMETHING that lifts your spirits, then go back home, and let your husband see that. let him see that even though he's making you feel miserable, you found a nice healthy way to make yourself happy. you'll be basically saying "i found a way to get the pleasure that you're not giving me". hopefully, after seeing you happy again, after seeing you in a nice new outfit feeling oh so confident, he'll want to spark up the romance again.......and hey, its worth a try isnt it??

hope things work out for the best!
--raMirEz4lyFe--

[jeanne2b2b (deleted)]

`Dear Mrs. Alone, Have your husband go for a total medical physical. Diabetes, Heart Disease, Vascular Disease, Prostate Cancer, any Cancers can strike a man at any age and cause intimacy problems. The ----, (which every man single or married from age 10 to 100 wants to look at every day) to easily pleasure himself because he may not be healthy enough to complete the act with you. All men look at ----, it has nothing to do with you, so give up that fight. If you are going to fight with him, have it getting him to doctor, before it gets worse and you end up a widow.